Chuck Norris

From Uncyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Forget "Chuck Norris Facts". Forget the EN article. Forget all internet lies about Chuck Norris.
Here below you'll read the simple truth about "god".

Carlos Raven Norris is a politician, actor, dancer, and martial arts fighter on the side.

Biography[edit]

The beginning[edit]

Chuck Norris when was prostitute Egyptian pharaoh

Son of a drunking navajo indian and a mexican woman that was illegally in the USA, Chuck Norris was born in reserve for indigenous people in the State of Texas. Created in a community where sports more charged were the peacekeeping pipe-smoking and killing white people, Carlinhos, as was known in the reserve, preferred playing with shaman dolls of his grandmother, which yielded many insults from their cousins warriors and also many spanks given by reserve's bullies that disliked gay men.

To end the daily spanks, Carlinhos was studying martial arts outside the reserve with a kung-Fu professor named Bruce Lee. However, the monthly school was too costly, and the only way that Chuck had to get the money to pay was whether prostituting himself in agrees to Ryan, Texas. Sought by all kinds of vagabond, Norris became most desired Texas transvestite after his silicone implant surgery. Martial arts training told before it is completed, because Carlinhos bet at punch all clever that tried to fuck him without paying.

Of possession of all master secrets, Chuck returned to his home and defied all rods from the reserve to a decisive battle to prove that he was more than a fag mestizo protected by MOM. After defeat all your enemies, Carlinhos gained the respect of his tribe, and his father celebrated done drinking a firewater at a bar around the corner.

Military service[edit]

CN in Irak.

To gain American citizenship, Chuck Norris had to serve as the armed forces of his country and fight in the Vietnam war. Chuck was escalated in Division of itatiaía, a group of elite soldiers thus known to be composed mostly by black men with powerful penetrating weapons, and combat experience like no other group. Norris was an important member of the team, and reached an advantaged flirting partner at platoon.

The climbing to fame[edit]

To despair of your old father, Chuck Norris has always had a passion for dance and met Tony, a moreno ebony color with whom he had a love relationship and that encouraged taking ballet lessons with Professor Mikhail Barishnikov. Approved as the best dancer of the class, Chuck was hired by the YMCA dance company, where he served in the Europe at Bolshoi Ballet, but first break with Tony, who wanted beside him cooking and washing clothes as all good wife. In ballet of Bolshoi he met someone who was his great love: Robertão, a dancer virile Brazilian whom Chuck soon got concubinate and flew the United States to submit their parents' groom for disappointment of the old Indian who died of grief. Knowinf return of his beloved pupil to the american ground, Bruce Lee invited him to make a tip on his latest film, The Way of the Dragon, but first Norris had to remove his silicone prosthesis, because in the 1970s the public was not as liberal as it is today and a transsexual wrestler would not be well seen. Pupil and master fought truly in the movie, and how could not fail to be Norris was defeated by Lee, the invincible Dragon.

After this experience Robertão encouraged his love to make a career in the cinema, and this one accepted acting in war movies inspired in his experience in Vietnam, but obviously omitting his gay relationships with vietcongs.

The decadence[edit]

Norris was a great B-movie star until engage in a federal scandal: he had a case extraconjugal with anyone unless the former US President Ronald Reagan, leaked thanks to a paparazzi eavesdropper was camp in front of the mansion of Reagan, and such incident caused a painful pancake (ugh!) with Robertão, and Norris have gained the suggestive and pejorative nickname of "the man of the President". After all this scandal doors closed for Carlinhos and all calls to explosiveaction movies disappeared, going him to beg for space at children's comedies like Sidekicks, The Forest Warrior and Top Dog.

Like so many failed Hollywood actors, Chuck Norris was to seek refuge in television, and starred in a series of action called Walker, Texas Ranger, which performed a male goat police (pure fiction). It was a series of free classification, since nobody was bleeding in the 1980s to take a shot on television. He also starred a cartoon entitled Chuck Norris and his Friends, a parody of Captain Planet and the Planeteers, where every week the children learned a valuable lesson about life.

Without the fame of the past, Norris decided to enter politics and was elected Governor of Texas, being known as a great approver. Among other things:

  • Chuck Norris has approved the firearms by minors of fifteen years, a fact which led to the Columbine tragedy.
  • Chuck Norris has approved the visa free for illegal immigrants with more than 80 years old, which benefited your mommy that was to be deported.
  • Chuck Norris has approved the deportation of homosexual couples for Cuba, which has aroused the anger of your ex Robertão and led him to write a book revealing detail by detail all intimacy with Chuck, everything.
  • Chuck Norris has approved the increase in taxes on imports, which increased by 400% piracy in the United States, even falsified food was contrabanded from China.

Chuck Norris currently[edit]

Chuck Norris taught the meaning of life.

Chuck came to an Evangelical Church and seems to have recovered from fagship to take publicly a relationship with a woman, repudiating publicly his fag past and preaching the good moral to the four winds. But there are those who say that he has secretly courtship with Robert, and that his fervent homophobic speeches are just a hoax to hide the truth of the world.

Chuck Norris in the future[edit]

Chuck hopes to be the first man to free English domestic cows from dairy farms. He hopes to do this by featuring in more washout films that no one really wants to watch.

Other aims include:

  • Waiting for badgers to come out of their sets and then poke them in the eyes with sticks.
  • Dancing in a tutu for his high school sweatheart while singing "I want to take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar"
  • Going back in time to analy rape Hitler so he didn't start the Second World War. He also hopes this is to be the start of a meaningful relationship between the two.
  • Be the second gay on the moon (after Barney the purple dinosaur that unfortunately made it there in 1832 while on an acid trip supplied by MR. Blobby.
  • Do a remake of a remake of a remake of a classic gay porno film featuring Jack Black and Zac Efron
  • Kill Zac Efron infront of his flashing girlfriend who made it big as a crack whore.

He hopes to achieve more that has not been realised yet.