From Uncyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Hello, America. Your humble correspondent Glenn Beck reporting. Now, the War on Terror Overseas Contingincy Opertation, economic recession, Muslim Kenyan Marxist terrorist in the White Castle, Fashion Bug sales, crappy lawnmower discounts, Nick Cannon's baby, and Joe the Plumber may have you worried about the current state of our nation. But I'm here to tell you these pale in comparison to what will be the real threat of 2011: the infatuation, otherwise known as crush or death on an egg roll. Indeed, this monstrosity will suck the life out of the nation.


Back when, the Earth was a formless mass of pudding. Some bearded guy then turned it into another mass and placed water, animals, and other crap on it. Then came Adam, the first human being. Then Eve. They lived happily, until Ben Stiller tempted them to eat from some apple tree. They did and thay bearded guy put a bunch of punishments and regulations on them. But, this fellow also had another plan. He decided to play a sick, cruel joke on the human race. He made them uselessly fall in love with each other and then become obsessive and then get rejected and cry! The first known record of this is when Jacob, some loser sheperd or something, was booted off of his land because he cheated his brother Esau by exchanging his birthright for a bowl of crap. Then he met is uncle-in-law and fell in love with some white trash named Rachel. In order to receive her hand in marriage, he had to clean manure and other stuff for 7 years. When he did, his uncle gave him that whore Leah who just happens to be Rachel's sister instead. Anyway, this only proves my point that crushes cause crap. For more biblical examples of obsession, see the Song of Solomon. Seriously.

Modern Purpose[change]

America, our youth are being subsidized by the eeeeeeeeeeeevil lamestream media They are injected with the joke horomones from the original sin, fall needlessly in love, and buy candies for their objects of affection. Then the objects of affection call 911 and have these idiots arrested and then Dubya gives them capital punishment. I say, we of the Tea Party stand up for our youth! Let's just segregate America by gender to stop this menace. And for those who develop the eeeeeeeeevil crush on the same gender, just send them to Gitmo and have them waterboarded. Seriously. Err, I need a nap after all this hard work. Good night, America.

Editor's Note[change]

Glenn is right: we would be happier without love. Indeed.