Famiclone

From Uncyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
Super Mario Bros. on a Famiclone

A famiclone (blend of words "Famicom" and "clone") is a piece of cheap Chinese plastic sold in local American pawn shops while saying they play games for the Nintendo Entertainment System and Famicom. More recent Famiclones also boast compatibility with Super Nintendo games as well. Famiclones have a compatibility rate of 0.0001% of NES games and a SNES rate too small to figure out. Chinese children made these so their owners could make money due to the lack of original NES hardware currently available in the United States due to Nintendo doing less important things, like selling Wii and 3DS units.

Famiclones were originally sold in areas where parents could not provide food for their children and where Nintendo did not sell NES units, so they bought them a cheap video game to shut them up whining about trivial aspects of life such as hunger. These locations included Brazil, the former Soviet Union, Laos, Denmark, the Mushroom Kingdom, Hyrule, Kanto, and Elibe.

Few Famiclones were (and still are) not labeled as openly compatible with NES hardware, not only because they were not, but because they would attract attention from Nintendo. So, they were given extremely generic titles such as "8-bit Console Game", "Video Game Console", or "Hunk of Crap Made from Melted Milk Cartons". But, Nintendo did find this black market (with the help of the Mario Bros. of course) and apprehended the evil software pirates.

Modern Famiclones are slightly better than the originals and a few even are openly compatible with the NES hardware. Since they lack the chip doohickeys, they cannot really play anything. They attracted the attention of Nintendo and since were legitimized because of the patents of NES hardware expiring. Though it has resulted in a loss of Wii Virtual Console sales (in which games you bought 10-20 years ago can be bought again for the low price of 4000 Wii Points) the court upheld the Chinese forgers.

History[change]

Famiclones started in Brazil (1989), where the NES was not sold. They were developed by the Chinese to get back at those pesty Japanese. They sold fairly well, until the Nintendorks released the NES there with American hardware through some company with a funny name. The officious model sold reasonably well and the Famicloners landed in South Africa where they were released as "TV Game". These even contained built-in versions of Duck Hunt and Super Mario Bros. that were slightly discolored in order to avoid a lawsuit. Nintendo sued those bastards in South Africa and lost. So, they gave up. Then they landed in Poland, where no one really cared and they were largely forgotten. Then it reached Russia, India and Southeast Asia, where it sold well and Nintendo didn't give a rat's arse anymore. Then, when the NES was over 20 years old and only a few actually wanted to play Paperboy, the Famiclone surfaced in America and caused a legal debate over copyright patents.

Copyright issues[change]

Nintendo forgot that Famicom patents expired in 2003 and NES in 2005, so they sued Yobo Games for selling a machine that boasts near-perfect NES and Famicom compatibility. Yobo said that Nintendo lost the patents on their hardware, so their consoles were legitimate. Nintendo countered by stating that they retain the sole right to manufacture NES consoles, though not capitalizing on that right for over 12 years at that time. Nintendo eventually lost the case, and the judge listening to that nonsense committed suicide. Since this precedent, China has felt free to ship lead-saturated NES and SNES clones to the States. And in an amazing act of contradiction, Yobo themselves imported a console compatible with Sega Genesis games. Consoles with built-in games result in life in prison without parole, so those are not seen anymore.

Types of Famiclones[change]

The average Famiclone, though appearing to be a Playstation to parents clueless of video games (i.e. most of them)

There exist several types of Famiclones. The most common by far is the console type. Yobo and Retro Duo manufactured such units and they made money. Nintendo just had to watch them roll in the dough for something they once made dough for 25 or so years ago. Then there is the controller type, that has the built-in games. They are almost never official ports of Nintendo games, though they are slightly-altered versions of Nintendo classics. The most notorious and controversial game is on a Nintendo-64-style controller and features a near-exact copy of Super Mario Bros. where Mario is a dick. There also exist versions of Duck Hunt where former Vice President Dick Cheney can be shot, versions of Paperboy where Charles Manson appears, and of course, versions of Home Alone featuring the King of Pop. Then there is the handheld type, that no one has ever heard of, since not a single game will work.

Compatibility Issues[change]

Gamers have reported problems playing NES games on the Famiclone such as a blurry or fuzzy screen, lack to beat Wall Street Kid for the fifth time, difficult controllers, general lack of playable games, mercury mutations, lack of money to buy a Wii or PS3, obesity, and a lack to find a life partner. Yobo President Tommy Thompson issued this statement

I take absolutely no responsibility for any side effect of playing our consoles, even those resulting in death. Please do not play our consoles if you do not with to grow another arm from our toxins. Go outside. Get some fresh air. Or else deal with our side effects like a man!