Glenn Beck/Rewrite

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“I am not a journalist. I am a conservative. I'm much more of a libertarian. I'm a rodeo clown who makes his living making stuff up on politicians and morons like George Soros.”

"Dr." Glenn Edward Lee George Soros Hussein Lindsey Beck IV is a prominent journalist rodeo clown and entertainer who hosts a daily radio show. He formerly hosted Glenn Beck on CNN Headline News and then on Fox News. He claims to be a conservative libertarian, whatever in the hell that means. He has also "written" several books, including An Inconvenient Book, where he spends 1/2 of the book that was supposed to be political talking about his attempts to get laid, and Arguing with Idiots, where he argues with himself.

Beck has been accused by the American Left for spewing out wacky conspiracy theories like the fact that George Soros, Barack HUSSEIN Obama, and Bill Ayers are evil Antichrists and how Van Jones screwed everything up. He also got beef for insulting Obama's daughters and calling the President a racist and commenting on his "deep-seated hatred of white people". The lamestream media has also commented on his remarks concerning Planned Parenthood and the Tides Foundation and his conspiracy regarding the evil wackjobs who are screwing up this nation.

Beck has also been divorced due to his love of a Christian Conservative's worst enemy: alcohol. Beck said himself that he was an avid drinker of alcohol, especially whiskey like the ill-fated Jack Daniels. He also acknowledged his love of high school cheerleaders after a drink before meeting his future wife Tania, who married him in jest since he screwed his life up enough. He got a career in "news" and stuff. Fox fired him.

Beck revolutionized the political scope by eating tainted cookie dough on national television and even encouraged his gun-slinging right-wing viewers to do the same. He also introduced the blackboard as a staple of cable news for years to come, despite the use of the blackboard by Clark Howard years before. He made millions and now hosts a radio show and is fuhrer of The Blaze, UnNews's right-wing inbred cousin.

Beck is also an Elvis impersonator come night time, and enjoys reciting Elvis's 1972 rendition of The Beatles' hit "Hey Jude" and calling his daughters hound dogs for no apparent reason. He is a self-proclaimed George Washington adorer and lover and often does unspeakable things with one dollar bills. He also enjoys weeping and weeping and weeping and weeping and weeping and weeping. And more weeping.

And he says he can bowl better than Obama. Go figure.