Halloweenie

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If not eaten before the expiry date, Halloweenies may develop limbs, consciousness, and a thirst for human blood.

A Halloweenie is a seasonal hot dog offering produced yearly, in limited quantities, by the Oscar Mayer company. It is typically available in North American and some European markets beginning on October 1st of each year, with sales ending whenever supplies are exhausted. Usually this happens by Valentine's Day of the following calendar year, although some Dollar Stores and Street Meat vendors have been known to have New Old Stock on hand as late as the following summer.

Origin[edit]

The idea for a Halloween-themed hot dog came when a marketing executive had a brilliant realization.[1]

She[2] realized that anyone stupid enough to willingly consume a hot dog in the first place would be a likely candidate to buy one that was painted a festive orange... and so she conferred with the top management who in turn consulted with Research & Development who in turn contracted the work out to Kraft—because they were already experts in converting normal-coloured food (like macaroni) into something that glowed with a terrifying, luminous orange hue.

Laboratory tests on animals[edit]

Standard white mice remained unaffected by the ingestion of this product for a mean period of four days, 6 hours before eventually turning orange themselves, and becoming vaguely hot-dog-like in shape. Rats were to be tested next, but they refused to eat the product, preferring the orange, sausagey mice instead.

Critical reception[edit]

Fat bastards everywhere are raving about the taste. Of course, this is after the Halloweenies have been thoroughly buried under a swamp of ketchup, mustard, relish, sauerkraut, banana pepper rings, Parmesan cheese, chili, and—for those with more exotic tastes—peanut butter, hummus, and lox.[3]

Lawsuit[edit]

In 2011, a class-action lawsuit was filed by American Carrot Farmers Union. It alleged that Halloweenies infringe on their intellectual property by clouding the minds of consumers with another orange, tubular foodstock, thus creating product uncertainty. Oscar Mayer is counter-suing for damages, alleging no case and suggesting that the farmers have inhaled too many fertilizer particles. A ruling is due next week.

Notes[edit]

  1. Hey, it could happen.
  2. Ah! That explains it!
  3. Nummmy!