Jesus

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Pass the tequila and all will be forgiven.

Jesus Martínez Escudero Villanueva García Ramírez Arroyo López González is a used car salesman and world renowned part-time screenwriter and feature film director.

Abandoned at an orphanage in Tijuana in 1961 and adopted to loving parents Mary (Maria de la Santa Cruz Rosalina Cuellar Rene Agnelia Rodriguez) and Joseph (José Alejandro Ramiro Placido Federico Eleodoro Xiomar), Jesus obtained most of his education as a student attending the Fernando Modesto Rigoberto Segundo Venturo Delmar Public School in Mexico City, Mexico.

His favourite car is his limited edition 1953 Cadillac Eldorado, which he only drives to church on Sundays.

Miracles[edit]

On numerous occasions, Jesus has amazed bystanders and film critics alike with unexplainable feats of magic:

  • He once turned 12 minutes of low-grade Super-8 film stock into 120 reels of 70mm film, which he used to create the comedy classic 7 mujeres, 1 homosexual y Carlos.
  • He cured a blind man near Jericho, by advising him to switch from rubbing alcohol to cheap wine.
  • He also brought Lazarus, the daughter of Jairus, and a young man from Nain back to life using only his lips, some jumper cables, and a car battery, after they'd partied with some guy from Jericho.
  • He drove seven demons out of Mary Magdalene by giving her a good flogging and an 8-week prescription of antibiotics.
  • He's also alleged to have turned some scummy pond water into cerveza, and made tortillas fall from the sky.