Kansas City Royals

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King George V, possibly the greatest Kansas City Royals player of all time.

The Kansas City Royals is a professional baseball team that doesn't win very many games and usually loses at least 100 each year. The Royals are owned by Wal★Mart, which explains why they make big money by raising good players and selling them to other teams at low low prices, thus giving the Royals the nickname "The Farm Club to all the other teams". This is usually why the Royals lose more than a 100 games each year.


Don't bother reading this because it's the worst attempt at humor ever put in words.

The Kansas City Royals play in Kauffman Stadium, which opened in 1972 but at the time of opening was called Royals Stadium. It was not until July 2nd 1983 that Royals Stadium changed names to honor their late founder Ewing Kauffman. The stadium is located by a highway in Jackson County, Missouri. The highway is actually the only thing that is remotely near the stadium, except for the Denny's and a cheap hotel. Missouri voters recently approved a tax increase to improve the stadium, rather than build a new one. This effectively kept it isolated where fans of the Royals would not have to risk embarrasment by being seen by anyone else.

The Many Features of this Stadium[change]

  • A 110-story score board.
  • 4,454,545 inch high outfield walls.
  • Toma turf grass.
  • Hard concrete sidewalks for the warning tracks.
  • 42,000 luxury seats that cost $249.97 a game to sit in.
  • 1,324 cheap seats that cost $44.93 to sit in, The site lines from these seats make the players on the field look like ants.
  • A Wal★Mart Suckercenter in left field with everyday low prices on many things like a pack of Wigglers gum for $4.96, which is considered a bargain when the other concession stands sell the same item for $20.
  • Unknown Color Outfield Walls. You can't tell the color as they are line with a version of this week's Wal★Mart black-light special.
  • Great Parking right next to the football stadium a mile away. The cost of parking is $38.94.
  • Midget Accessible seats where little people feel like big people.

World Series Victories[change]

Believe or not the Kansas City Royals did actually win a World Series in 1985. This World Series was practically given to them by the Major Leagues fixing the series where it shown in Game 6 by a very questionable call by the Umpire. Anyway, it was the other team's fault for screwing themselves before the game, thinking they have already won the Series. This World Series win came long before Wal★Mart took over the team and started putting 1337 players in the bargain aisle. The Royals had then became the greatest team in the MLB, winning every game except one to the Baltimore Orioles because the pitching coach came out and played the game by himself, batting, playing defense, and pitching. The rest of the team pulled a Ken Griffey Jr. and fell asleep in the clubhouse. The pitching coach was extremely good at using ghost baserunners, so he lost the game 97-96.

Wal★Mart Takeover[change]

In 1995, Wal★Mart purchased the team for the bargain basement price of $1,337. Since then they have cut back on operating costs. Most of the costs cut were to team fitness centers, bathroom maintenance, locker room maintenance, and parking costs for the players. They also had bargain sales to the other teams on stuff they can't pay to maintain. Other cost cuts including selling the 1337 players that were on the team beforehand. The team is now turning a profit of as of last year $123,423,423 with most of it coming (about $120,000,000) from the Damn New York Yankees Luxury Tax.

Great promotions[change]

The Royals hold annual promotional stunts at Kauffman Stadium in order to get their fans to come out and give them some attention. The team's most successful promotion is the "First 25 Fans Play" promotion which happens every April when the real Royals team is mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. The promotion states that the first couple dozen fans that show up at the stadium get to play for the team and receive "real baseball uniforms, Ben-Gay and all."

Other successful promotions include "Kansas City Chiefs season ticket demolition night" and the "Hey! We're gonna win tonight! We've got fireworks!" event.

Greatest Royals Players of all time[change]

A Royals player celebrating after a Royals victory in 1983, the last time the Royals won a game.

Big Moments in Royals History[change]

  • When they won two games in a row.
  • The Big Home Run by George Brett in the 1980 ALCS.
  • The George Brett Excess BBQ Home Run.
  • That time that George Brett went on the 15 day Disabled List because of hemorrhoids.
  • Nolan Ryan's first big no heckler game.
  • The moment in 1987 where the scoreboard was struck by lightning.
  • The moment during the Great Flood of 1993 when both the Royals and the Seattle Mariners played in a flooded stadium.
  • The time in 2003 when the Royals won a game by default after a tornado swept away the New Your Yankees during the game. The same exact thing happened again in 2006.
  • Snakes on a Plane night in 2006 where live toy (poisonous snakes) were placed throughout the stadium. Many fans were not killed during this promotion, so it was deemed a success.
  • The series of games in 2007 where, in one night, Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th home run, Barry Bonds hit his 700th home run, Daryl Strawberry hit his first home run in twenty years, and Jason Tyner hit a ground rule double against them.
  • Mike Sweeney charges mound to tell pitcher that he hates playing in Kansas City.
  • Ex third base coach Dave Owen successfully waving a runner around third in 2009, where he actually scored a run without being thrown out by 20 feet.

See Also[change]

External links[change]