As long as there have been men and women, Satan has tried to make them get lumps of coal for Christmas. When Adam and Eve still lived in Missouri, he changed his name to Steve and he made Eve go away from Adam by telling her he had an apple. Then Steve got Adam alone and tricked Adam into getting a lump of coal for Christmas. Santa was very mad at Satan for doing this and told him he had to go to the South Pole forever. So now Satan sends his minions at the people from the South Pole instead.
One time during Easter, Satan tried to make Jesus get a lump of coal for Christmas, but Jesus didn't fall for it. Christmas was Jesus's favorite holiday and Jesus always made sure he never got a lump of coal for Christmas, not even for all the Easter candy in the world.
Since then Satan has been working very hard to make everyone get lumps of coal. When my grandma and grandpa were little he sent some penguins up from the South Pole to an island near Mexico, to trick a man named Charles Darwin into thinking that Santa wasn't real. Darwin read too many books and so he had glasses and couldn't see that it was a trick. Now lots of people think Santa and Satan aren't real and they explain the presents and the lumps of coal by saying they evolve. Evolve is when things happen without Santa or Satan, which is stupid.
Satan also made up something called Communism which is when no one ever gets any presents and everyone has to work very very hard all day to make lumps of coal. The people who read books like to say that Communism is good because they can't see because they need glasses, and so they don't realize that Satan is doing this and so they need to be saved from Satan so they can get more presents and less lumps of coal.
This year Satan has been making boys think they are girls. Some of the boys who think they are girls used to be very good at sports and now they are weak little girls. This is stupid because boys can't be girls; if boys were girls then Santa would give them barbies instead of GI Joes. I hope all the boys who think they're girls stop acting like girls when they get their lumps of coal. I guess that is the good thing about Satan, that he gives people the lumps of coal and they realize they are bad and they try to get presents next year. But my dad tells me not to think or I will get a lump of coal. I am sorry, Santa. Please give me a Ken doll.