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Cats are little hairy rich people. The big smooth people take care of them. If the big people do a good enough job, the cat is happy. If the cat is not happy, God help you.

Like big smooth rich people, cats don't do anything. Also like big smooth rich people, cats demand the best of everything. But unlike big smooth rich people, no one ever cuts the heads off of cats. This is because cats control the big people's minds. Their way of mind control is known by science as "being adorable." In everyday words this means "being really cute." The big rich people try to control the minds of the big poor people with television. But it doesn't work as well. People still sometimes cut off their heads. Not like cats. It's true, some people do cut off the heads of cats. But not many, and those people are bad.

Cats are hooked on a drug called catnip. It is their only weakness. If a cat is pushing you around, throw some catnip. The cat cannot resist it. Then run for your life. Never allow another Satanic cat to cross your path. If you do, you will be under their spell again.

You can win the favor of a cat by throwing the flesh of a dead animal in front of them. Sometimes they will do this for you, too. That's how you know you've been good. But don't feed them a cat. That would be mean. Feed them a lesser creature, like a rich human.

No cats were hurt when this article was written. Please do not hurt your cat. Violence against cats is never the answer. Humans, sure. But never cats.