From Uncyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Paper is a flat material which people write or draw upon. It can also cut your fingers and cause you to bleed. This is called a "paper cut." Paper cuts hurt.


Paper has been around for thousands of years. Modern-day paper was invented by the Chinese man Cai Lun to act as a weapon in AD 105. Cai Lun was castrated by the first sheet of paper. This is when he decided it needed to be less sharp. After reducing its sharpness, Cai Lun found it was no longer useful as a weapon. However, he saw how useful paper could be for writing messages to the cute girl across the class. She rejected him, and somebody else stole his idea for paper because China has horrible copyright laws.

Cai Lun died poor and all alone.

When the Japanese came to China, they saw all the Chinese people writing on the paper. In an attempt to show the Chinese that they were the superior Asian nation, the Japanese folded the paper into a hat. Shortly after, every Japanese kid was able to fold paper cranes, paper cups, paper turtles, and paper stars. All this paper became known as "origami", or the art of folding paper.

As paper became more popular worldwide, rock carving became less popular. To show this, Europeans began including "paper" as a choice in their game of "rock." This was good because nobody ever won at "rock." "Scissors" were later included in the game. The game is now known as Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Paper is still very important in today's society, but it is being replaced by digital media. Trees are thankful for this because it means less of them will be cut down.


Making paper is very complex. First, several hundreds of very big trees must be cut down. It is recommended for all tree-loggers to wear earplugs so they do not hear the screams of pain from the trees. This way, the tree-loggers will not feel any guilt about killing the trees. Following this, one must grind the tree remains into small pieces of wood fiber, no larger than dust. After this, one must suspend sheets of the wood fibers in water, drain the water, and then dry this into a thin matted sheet.

Types of paper[change]

There are many types of paper. The most important types are paper that you can write on, paper for a computer printer, and toilet paper. Toilet paper is the most useful type of paper. Very few people talk about toilet paper, though. This is because nobody is comfortable talking about wiping their bums after they release the digested food from their bowels.

Artists wipe themselves with the same paper they draw and paint on.